How do I say "Thank you" properly?

Years upon years of pain and hurt are streaming down my face as they are finally released from their dark hiding place. This is all thanks to a friend, who (for the sake of privacy) I will call "Dancer". 

I have grown up always feeling like this:   

That Picture, for those of you blessed enough to not be obsessed with memes, is what's know as "Socially Awkward Penguin". This is what I felt like for 13 years through the public school system. I have always been VERY different from others. I mean lets just start with the fact that I had a name that when most, if not all teachers fouled up awfully the first time they read it. I had friends who I believed more than tolerated my awkwardness, but I knew that society saw me as this freak, a menace to school's social structure of the school I attended. My one year at Southwestern Community College didn't help it out much either.

When I left on my Mission, I was so determined to try and fix that as much as possible. Yet even there amongst my fellow missionaries, I had the same feeling often. I can say though that a lot of what that was, is now gone, I do still have my moments and they terrify me, but I like to think that those days are behind me.

So now we get to around a half an hour ago. I am hearing about this nanny-ing gig up in Alaska and I am kinda interested but don't know if its for me or not and I start randomly chatting with Dancer because I notice she's online. To give a back story, I really Liked  Dancer  in the past and She is still one of my good friends. When I had openly expressed my feelings to her, It felt like  Dancer  was thoroughly creeped out by me. This hurt, but was no different from previous times that it had happened. I figured I would wait for the feelings to fade like some many others before her... But they didn't. Not for a long time. I felt pathetic. Eventually I accepted what I had concocted in my mind of how things were between me and her and said "that's how it is".

When I was getting ready to graduate, I was having people I REALLY considered to be my friends sign my yearbook. I was Very surprised when  Dancer  asked to sign it. I can't find the Yearbook right now, but it said something along the lines of (Don't quote me on this, I'll edit this post when I find my Yearbook): "Simione, I am Proud to know you. I like how you take pride in being a Hawaiian, Mormon, MA-er. Good Luck!" That, along with a heartfelt thank you note, was one of my favorite things written in my yearbook.

At my Farewell Party for my mission, I had invited all my Facebook friends to come. Out of all of The people not of my faith that I had invited, four of my high school friends showed up. One of those guests was  Dancer . She even wrote me most often besides my Mom and Aunt. That's a seriously big deal to a Mormon Missionary, because that's our only link to the world outside of our missions.
So again back to the Facebook IM session. After her giving sound advice after I show her how much I am like a Chicken running around with its head chopped off, our convo goes like this.

Me 

[ Dancer ], can i ask you something?

Dancer 

yes

Me

When You knew I liked you, it creeped you out and yet, you still make, what i think to be, a very earnest endeavor to be a good friend. Why would you be friends with someone who creeps you out?

Dancer 

• You never creeped me out...
• I'm sorry also if I ever made you feel that way.
• And even if you creeped me out, you weren't doing anything to harm me and you're a good person to me.
• and you wouldn't have deserved to be treated like a creeper or whatever. haha
  
  
  I didn't write anything for a while and then i replied:
  
  
  
  

  Me 

  • i don't know what to typify these tears as...
  • i don't know what i am feeling
    
    Dancer 

    • what do you mean?
      
      

      Me

      • after you wrote that, i couldn't identify what i felt (and what i am still feeling
      • i don't know that i've ever felt this
        
        
        Dancer 

        • oh... I'm not sure what to say
          
          

          Me 

          • i believe its a good feeling
            
            
            Dancer 

            • haha okay good
              
              
              Me 

              • odd though
              • i am crying
              • but i don't know the emotion
                
                
                Dancer 

                • hmm.. joy? relief?
                  
                  
                  Me 
              • something like those
                
                
                I Had To quickly Explain what SAP (the picture from the beginning)  was and then It continued like this.

                
                

                Me

                • thats how i felt with everyone for the 14 years of schooling i did. (K-12+ I year at SWCC)
                  so reading what you wrote made me think of that in contrast to how you really thought and i started crying
                  
                  Dancer 

                  • mmhmm
                  • but you know what's cool about that
                    • is that you stand out as different
                    • not everyone can handle different because the desperately want to fit in but yet keep their individuality
                      and they see someone like you, who is quirky and has a different outlook on life and how you're going to live yours.. and they want that but are too scared to break from what's perceived as normal 
                      you be you.
                      
              • 
                

What Dancer did for me tonight, I will always be indebted to her for. She helped release me from a prison I thought I was supposed to call home. In Fijian, there are two ways to express thanks. The first is the norm for most Fijian speaker, "Vinaka Sara Vakalevu!", but the one I choose is one usually reserved for a great ceremony or an honorary expression of gratitude. So with tears in my eyes and staining my cheeks I say, "Dancer, A Maduo!"

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