Realization

So, I thought I'd give an overview of where I'm at nowadays. I'm living in Utah now, I had lived with my My Mum's brother "Walt" and his family for a while. I now Live with my Eldest cousin. Lets call him "Justice", and his Family which includes his Wife "A.H."  and his son, "Jax". I had worked at a hotel as a maintenance tech, but I had to quit after Super Bowl weekend. This is what I said on FB:

"This weekend, I took my brother, his wife and her sister up to Logan to meet their brand new nephew. There was a very different spirit in The house as we walked in, but not until I held Baby Felix in my arms did I get the full effect of it. As he opened his eyes at me I could see a pureness which is indescribable and cannot be faked. I was so Overwhelmed that I was distracted the entire time I watched the Seahawks destroy. Every time I saw someone pick up Felix in their arms, or play and interact with his two siblings I had need of stepping into another room or space to regain composure. I couldn't help but ask myself "Where am I going in life?" and, "Knowing that this is ultimately one of my goals, Am I at least on track, or do I need to do more?". I had to sit and reevaluate my life, my habits and goals. It's funny how one Small person, can change everything in someone else's life."

After that, I sat in my room at the hotel and realized I had been entertaining thoughts. DARK ONES. ones I had vowed never to entertain again. I knew there could be only one option. Get out. I've done a lot of soul searching since then. I keep stumbling over things I never realized before. Today I wanted to take a moment and acknowledge one thing: My last relationship I had.

I had came across something this morning, as I, out of boredom, was browsing my Google+ feed something I wasn't expecting.

(Screenshot from my phone)

Now, I couldn't watch the video, because it was listed a s a private video on YouTube, but this tugged at my emotions for a little bit this morning. i wasn't even aware that she had got video of me (other than a previous "Harlem Shake Video) This is a shot of me at my most intimate moments. A time when I didn't need filters to help me not to offend anyone. She was big on making fun, short films, and from the looks of it, I was to be the subject of one. Now, we broke up not too long after this was posted. It was something we both needed. She was trying to get ready for an LDS mission, and I was getting ready for a big move to Utah, but seeing this today made me realize, or better yet, remember one thing: when she said "I love you", she MEANT it.




...I'm Lonely. I need some company. (...Maybe I should buy a puppy...)

#nofilter

I no longer care. I'm just gonna say whatever I want. "If the cap fits, let him wear it." I'm so tired of worrying about if I'm offending someone. It's just futile. Someone, somewhere is always going to take offense. If I'm saying something, and you feel it applies to you and either don't like it or take offense, you're obviously guilty. Simple as that. If I "step on your toes", my Inner New Yorker says to that, "I'm walkin' 'ere!" Close, and I mean CLOSE, family and friends can get a pass but only because most if you have EARNED a tactful Simi. As for the rest of you, I've got a nice pile of rocks for you to kick. I'm done being fake. If I'm found to be rude, consider that at least I'm no longer fake. People have no idea how hard it has been to keep this front up. I've been torn down time and time again by loved ones, confidants and complete strangers alike and I just sat there and took it. As a friend put it, "Out with this old, weak, cry-in-the-street mentality. You made [me] what you wanted [me] to be without [my] teeth and now [I'm] chewing on your lies... [I'm] fed up with this game 'cause it's just too much. I've been far too nice to take you down, so I apologize to myself".

This change will rub some people the wrong way, and that's ok. Like I've stated in my rules for this blog, you have that right to be offended. However you have no right to tear me down because I'm being honest.

Dueces!