Crowds

One thing I've come to notice, is that in my mom's house, it is always healthy to have at least one person missing. There is a strange peace that just exists. But when the house is full, I just get stressed out. I am awesome in crowds that I can perform to, so its' definitely not a "I Hate crowds" thing. When I was in Fiji on my LDS mission, my youngest siblings got along. That in itself was a miracle. when i got back, My brother "Flub" had moved up to Utah, and My Brother "T" and I got along. VERY MIRACULOUS. and even when "Flub" and I hung out, we got along. but whenever we are all in the house, as my aunt would say, the veins in my neck need to be pushed in. I just get so stressed out. If I were to say "I don't care what anyone thinks" that'd be about 80 % true. I really care about my family's perception of me. and when I start to goof  something up, I really start to shut down. And that doesn't come without my yelling first.

Freeing Frustration through Verse (unfinished)

When you play hard to get, You get hard to want.
You calling me your dream boy but I'm just born to haunt
Your wildest desires and remind you all about how I got away
All because these words you gave me "I really need just a friend today"
Well that's all good, 'cause I know you know I know this zone really well
And someday soon sure enough time will only truly tell
That all the while you put me through this childish thing called Hell
I was playing all your silly games all because I fell
When your only shot at love could be halfway all around the world,
And all day you've been thinking to yourself what to say like "Girl,
I miss you every single day, is it that hard to see?
Every time I thinking of you, I'm thinking of what couldn't be.
Now let me just apply the brakes
and annihilate any further expansion of flakes.
This one's for all you stuck in the "Let's just stay friends" zone
Even after 1500 messages were always blowing up your phone

How do I say "Thank you" properly?

Years upon years of pain and hurt are streaming down my face as they are finally released from their dark hiding place. This is all thanks to a friend, who (for the sake of privacy) I will call "Dancer". 

I have grown up always feeling like this:   

That Picture, for those of you blessed enough to not be obsessed with memes, is what's know as "Socially Awkward Penguin". This is what I felt like for 13 years through the public school system. I have always been VERY different from others. I mean lets just start with the fact that I had a name that when most, if not all teachers fouled up awfully the first time they read it. I had friends who I believed more than tolerated my awkwardness, but I knew that society saw me as this freak, a menace to school's social structure of the school I attended. My one year at Southwestern Community College didn't help it out much either.

When I left on my Mission, I was so determined to try and fix that as much as possible. Yet even there amongst my fellow missionaries, I had the same feeling often. I can say though that a lot of what that was, is now gone, I do still have my moments and they terrify me, but I like to think that those days are behind me.

So now we get to around a half an hour ago. I am hearing about this nanny-ing gig up in Alaska and I am kinda interested but don't know if its for me or not and I start randomly chatting with Dancer because I notice she's online. To give a back story, I really Liked  Dancer  in the past and She is still one of my good friends. When I had openly expressed my feelings to her, It felt like  Dancer  was thoroughly creeped out by me. This hurt, but was no different from previous times that it had happened. I figured I would wait for the feelings to fade like some many others before her... But they didn't. Not for a long time. I felt pathetic. Eventually I accepted what I had concocted in my mind of how things were between me and her and said "that's how it is".

When I was getting ready to graduate, I was having people I REALLY considered to be my friends sign my yearbook. I was Very surprised when  Dancer  asked to sign it. I can't find the Yearbook right now, but it said something along the lines of (Don't quote me on this, I'll edit this post when I find my Yearbook): "Simione, I am Proud to know you. I like how you take pride in being a Hawaiian, Mormon, MA-er. Good Luck!" That, along with a heartfelt thank you note, was one of my favorite things written in my yearbook.

At my Farewell Party for my mission, I had invited all my Facebook friends to come. Out of all of The people not of my faith that I had invited, four of my high school friends showed up. One of those guests was  Dancer . She even wrote me most often besides my Mom and Aunt. That's a seriously big deal to a Mormon Missionary, because that's our only link to the world outside of our missions.
So again back to the Facebook IM session. After her giving sound advice after I show her how much I am like a Chicken running around with its head chopped off, our convo goes like this.

Me 

[ Dancer ], can i ask you something?

Dancer 

yes

Me

When You knew I liked you, it creeped you out and yet, you still make, what i think to be, a very earnest endeavor to be a good friend. Why would you be friends with someone who creeps you out?

Dancer 

• You never creeped me out...
• I'm sorry also if I ever made you feel that way.
• And even if you creeped me out, you weren't doing anything to harm me and you're a good person to me.
• and you wouldn't have deserved to be treated like a creeper or whatever. haha
  
  
  I didn't write anything for a while and then i replied:
  
  
  
  

  Me 

  • i don't know what to typify these tears as...
  • i don't know what i am feeling
    
    Dancer 

    • what do you mean?
      
      

      Me

      • after you wrote that, i couldn't identify what i felt (and what i am still feeling
      • i don't know that i've ever felt this
        
        
        Dancer 

        • oh... I'm not sure what to say
          
          

          Me 

          • i believe its a good feeling
            
            
            Dancer 

            • haha okay good
              
              
              Me 

              • odd though
              • i am crying
              • but i don't know the emotion
                
                
                Dancer 

                • hmm.. joy? relief?
                  
                  
                  Me 
              • something like those
                
                
                I Had To quickly Explain what SAP (the picture from the beginning)  was and then It continued like this.

                
                

                Me

                • thats how i felt with everyone for the 14 years of schooling i did. (K-12+ I year at SWCC)
                  so reading what you wrote made me think of that in contrast to how you really thought and i started crying
                  
                  Dancer 

                  • mmhmm
                  • but you know what's cool about that
                    • is that you stand out as different
                    • not everyone can handle different because the desperately want to fit in but yet keep their individuality
                      and they see someone like you, who is quirky and has a different outlook on life and how you're going to live yours.. and they want that but are too scared to break from what's perceived as normal 
                      you be you.
                      
              • 
                

What Dancer did for me tonight, I will always be indebted to her for. She helped release me from a prison I thought I was supposed to call home. In Fijian, there are two ways to express thanks. The first is the norm for most Fijian speaker, "Vinaka Sara Vakalevu!", but the one I choose is one usually reserved for a great ceremony or an honorary expression of gratitude. So with tears in my eyes and staining my cheeks I say, "Dancer, A Maduo!"

• • • • • • • • • • • • 
                        

Living with a Broken Heart (All I Want)

So recently, a friend asked me "How do you get over things so fast?" She mentioned a previous moment, and then noted that it was kinda happening again. I thought about it and I realized why and responded, "Because I live with a broken heart". Now Before anyone says, "Simi, you're being an over-the-top emo again", hear me out for a second. I've grown up nineteen years with a father that I feel never truly loved me. Wrap your head around that, Someone consistently telling you that respecting them was a necessity because "respect isn't a two-way street" and never getting that reciprocated. That sucked getting that on top of cruel abuse.
For years I have dated girls, and when the relationship was over both parties were hurt and bad, when I realized I had played a part in their pain I did whatever I could do to reform. But when that Reform came I found the amount of times I'd treated them like a Lady I'd find them off with some douche-bag and I'd be back in the oh-so-familiar friend-zone. Sound Familiar guys? To live with a broken heart isn't as bad as you all may think. Many of you live with broken appliances, broken cars, broken computers etc. These things aren't completely broken and still function in a manner that lets you get the job done. Until recently, My family was constantly using this broken iMac from, like, 2006 and it was long gone already. It served its purpose until the end. My heart is still capable of producing emotion, affection, and love, It just needs repair. but I, like the rest of America don't know how to fix what needs repairs, so I wait until I can find someone that does know how to repair it. I swear that I may have had only ONE mature relationship that ended well, No offense to anyone I had dated before I was seventeen. I don't think I was Mature enough before then anyways.
I feel like this song should be dedicated to all who will take the time to read this blog entry, or even find it at a later date. They wrote this song as a big thank you note to all those who helped them on their way up to prominence and a "F@#$ you" to those who attempted the opposite. I hope to get to that spot one day. So this is Dedicated to all of you Pushing me along the way as I chase my dreams, And Dedicated to all those who try to stand in my way.
I've long searched for inspiration to start writing music again, and I think I have found it.

Penny For Your Thoughts

Wake me up insane, Holy Crash, It's there!
Just flyin' away, away, away
Wake me up insane, Holy Crash, It's there!
If you don't believe me, then just wake me up insane.

Epileptic flash of colors
Inkblots line the walls
Fields of nails and thorns
Down in the deepest of galls
Traveling in a world of fears
And my nightmares on every corner
Banshees with silent screams
'Cause I'm the only mourner

Shadows dancing down my way
Rushing through the alley
Starting to close on in
Add another to the tally
Flash, another striking
Again starts the "RED RUM" wind
Stadium walls risin' up from their walls
Now I'm trapped, I'm pinned

Right now my heart is racing
As my mind lays to wasting
The wind is blowing
My mind is going
And I don't know which way I'm facing
My shirt is getting tight
As I return to the light
My room with no door
With nothing in store
But everyone looks good in white.